10 Useful Marriage Counseling Questions to Ask Your Spouse
Takeaway: Marriage is a journey filled with both joyous highs and challenging lows. For some, seeking marriage counseling may feel like an admission of defeat, while for others, it might feel like the first step on the path toward a stronger connection. Whether you're navigating uncharted territory or looking to enhance an already thriving relationship, I’m here to guide you. In this blog post, I’ll discuss 10 essential marriage counseling questions you can ask your partner, curated to foster understanding, communication, and lasting intimacy.
Asking intentional questions that are important to you and probably drove you to seek couples therapy is pivotal during those initial counseling sessions with a couples therapist. Attending couples therapy can feel daunting and even anticipating that first session can give rise to significant anxiety. Preparing yourself with some initial questions can help you zero in on what issues you would want to address sooner rather than later. Together with the help of a licensed marriage counselor, you can start building a safe space to address disagreements and better understand your partner and the quality of the relationship you both want to have.
The importance of asking questions in marriage counseling sessions
Married couples often feel frustrated and unable to resolve conflict in their relationship or manage relationship stressors in everyday life by the time they come to me for couples therapy.
A married couple desires and hopes to have a deep and meaningful long lasting relationship with their partner. So often couples find themselves replaying unhelpful patterns or acting out old scripts that get in the way of that desire, leaving them feeling unsuccessful and stuck.
There are many benefits to asking thoughtful questions and preparing for couples counseling, doing this preemptively can help you foster understanding and connection between you and your partner.
Research suggests that on average married couples wait to start couples counseling about 2.68 years from the onset of relationship problems.
Doherty WJ, Harris SM, Hall EL, Hubbard AK. How long do people wait before seeking couples therapy? A research note. J Marital Fam Ther. 2021 Oct;47(4):882-890. doi: 10.1111/jmft.12479. Epub 2021 Jan 7. PMID: 33411353.
This research highlights that relationship questions may have been percolating in your mind for at least two years before you begin the first counseling session with your partner. Write these questions down. There is a part of you or different parts of you that have already highlighted aspects of your partnership that are causing distress. This may be the case for your partner as well.
Knowing how to prepare for a counseling session can be a game-changer if you’re looking for ways to maintain a mutually rewarding and healthy relationship. Any relationship can suffer from communication issues, unaddressed fights, neglected feelings, or unhealthy behavior patterns.
Questions to ask in marriage counseling
Sometimes we need a bit of a guide to get us started. Attending counseling sessions can be overwhelming, filled with anxiety and fear that anything you say in session could elicit a conflict, a fight, or worse, the end of your relationship. Although couples therapy sessions could also be a way to clarify if separation is the best course for both of you; it is not always the desired outcome. Below are a few therapy questions that can help you foster understanding, and improve communication and connection between the two of you.
What are your expectations in couples counseling? Each of you needs to think about what your expectations are regarding couples therapy. Acknowledge concerns or fears that may be present for each of you as you start counseling together.
What are each of your goals? This may differ slightly but chances are you are both looking for similar objectives, trust your therapist to guide you as well if there is a lack of clarity in this aspect. A way to help identify goals is to identify problematic areas. What do you think your problematic areas are in your relationship, what is one conflict you keep looping back to, leaving you feeling stressed or hopeless? Chances are that by identifying these you can identify goals as you start counseling together. I believe that overarching goals need to be clear at the onset of therapy so that you can track how you are doing while engaging in counseling together, observing, and celebrating progress toward these objectives. A happy and successful marriage celebrates successes and applauds progress.
What makes you feel more connected to me as a partner in our relationship? As you identify problem areas and goals you can start asking questions about what helps you both feel connected, usually there are answers here that can help you work toward these objectives doing more of what you know works to keep you connected. Both of you have strengths that have kept your relationship going, it is important to take a look at those as well to help you feel hopeful, and supported and see the light at the end of the tunnel.
How can we build an emotionally safe environment while in therapy together? This is an important piece of the puzzle as you start marriage counseling together. A couples therapy session can be uncomfortable at times. Therapy involves discussing sensitive topics or addressing issues that have been avoided for some time. It is normal and part of the process to feel vulnerable and/or uncomfortable during these conversations in sessions together. This discomfort can point to growth and healing but you will need the grace that time provides and feeling safe in the sessions with your therapist. Progress does take time. It can take several sessions before you start noticing significant improvements in your relationship; this is why it is so important to track progress against the goals you started with. Tracking progress intentionally can help make you feel safe in the process and with the time it takes to see results in couples therapy.
Are there things that you enjoy that as a couple you have stopped doing? Couples therapy as stated before can be challenging. It is okay to talk about things that can bring about enjoyment while you go through this process.
What could help you increase your level of comfort with me? Transparency is key. Asking what could help bring about emotional safety for you and your partner during this process can unearth or highlight important information that has been kept hidden or protected and increase the connection between you.
How do you think our styles of communication pair together and how do you think we can improve our communication to feel heard and acknowledged? We have different ways of relating, regardless of how long you have been in a relationship with another, there are distinct differences in how you like to feel heard and what your intentions are as you communicate your needs. We may think our partner knows or should know what we mean or what we need, but the reality is that often they do not unless we clearly ask or state what we need. Your marriage therapist can help you create a dialogue that can clarify or demystify this for both of you to engage in more fruitful conversations between you.
What do you appreciate that I do for you? Naturally, there are things that your partner appreciates that you do for them. These may have been what drove you to commit your lives to each other. At some point, out of resentment, or self-protection, you may have stopped doing things that your partner may appreciate, creating enjoyment with each other.
Is there anything from our past conflicts, that you have kept from telling me? Transparency and honesty are valuable during the process of therapy. With the help of your therapist and the safe environment created in therapy sessions, you can get to the root of ongoing conflict.
If you are thinking about leaving this relationship, what will you need to consider staying? Marriage counseling at its core seeks to give each person what they need to find a connection and re-establish trust in your partnership. If one of the partners in the couple has been contemplating exiting the partnership for some time, it is important to air this out in counseling. This can provide an opportunity for the relationship to succeed. Keeping this hidden and having already given up before the process of therapy can take hold will ultimately cheat you the chance to provide you and your partner the opportunity to have the happy marriage you both want.
Marital satisfaction and creating the long term relationship you are both interested in will inevitably require improving communication, forgiving past events, and listening carefully to each other's feelings and the future you expect to have together. It is not an easy road but knowing you will not be alone in this process and that a professional couples therapist is supporting and accompanying you can be the turning point you have both been waiting for.
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Feeling stuck in your relationship
Decreased sense of joy
The same ol’ same ol’
Communication skills
Feeling unfulfilled sexually
Feeling continuously misunderstood by your partner
Together, we will explore how past internal relationship dynamics are showing up in the way that you relate to others.
It’s common to interpret relationships and interactions based on past experiences that may not accurately reflect the present moment. By bringing awareness to the patterns/scripts at play, it becomes possible to discover new ways of being in relationship with oneself and others.
The questions highlighted above are one way in which you and your partner can prepare for couples counseling. It is advised that you seek a licensed therapist that you feel is the best fit for both your and your partner's needs.
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